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Gjaan ta da Doctor
Rhoda Bulter takes a humorous look at a doctor's waiting-room, and a great variety of ailments.
Read By Rhoda Bulter
GJAAN TA DA DOCTOR
Dey wir varnished shairs at stüd aroond da
green distempered waa,
Whaar I wid sit wi aa da idder fok,
Waitin ta see da doctor ta pit da mind at
aese
Whin he oppened da inner door at
six-a-clock.
Dey wir some at sat an snuffed an kreks’d
an some at hed da host,
Or faan an misheeved demsel juist black an
blue;
Dey wir bluid-shot een an bellin tooms an
coarns an rotten teeth,
An eens wi dir lugs taav’d up wi cutton oo.
Some sat an toomed trow picter books at wir
lyin dere for years,
Advertisin dis an dat ta mak you smert;
Shürly maist a dem be dat time wir been
read fae brod ta brod,
An hed bits at could be rattled aff be
hert.
Da men wid aye git restless an keep fidgin
ower da saet,
An skitin up ta see da time apu da clock;
Dan een or twa wid reks demsel an hae a
look ootside,
Ta git a braeth a air an hae a smock.
Da weemen cleaned dir glesses an hockit
trow dir bags,
Or sat sizin up foo idder fok wir cled;
While dey wir aye da wan at sat an rudit
aff da history
O every ache and pain shü’d ever hed.
Fae sinnans draan an muscles poo’d an
brocken shackle banes,
Dandruff, bool-cramp an palpitation,
Brunt rift an da gulsa an fentin fits an
cruels,
Ta gurry een an chronic constipation.
Dey shürly wirna muckle at wis left for her ta git,
Fae ackwird labour ta da watter-traa;
Stane-loopins, rashes, wirsimy lumps,
swaaled glands an ingrowin nails;
At some time trow her life shü’d hed dem
aa.
We wid yarn aboot da wadder an da fyshin an
da paets,
An da hosiery prices gjaan up an doon,
We wid creeticise da Government, an aa da
unken wyes
An cam aboot wi bidin idda toon.
Dan da doctor he wid shut his head aroond
da surgery door,
An I wid be blyde ta geng, bit aa da sam,
Dey wir times at I enjoyed me-sel dat
muckle wi da fok
At I wis
nearly clean forgotten why I cam.
Bit dey say at dir an aafil lok a shenges
come aboot,
An whin you geng ta see da doctor
noo-a-days,
Dir a pritty carpet ower da flür an padded
ledder saets,
An aa da time a peerie wireless plays.
Afore dis dan da doctor aye hed
picters hingin up
O Shetland voes an maas an foreign flooers,
An it fairly took your mind aff o da things
at buddered you,
An you felt at you could look at dem for
ooers.
Bit noo dir tane an klined da waa wi
posters an wi signs
At’s fit ta gluff da wits atto da fok,
Wi waarnins aboot dis an dat an whaat you
soodna aet,
An aa at lies in store for dem at smock.
Dir twa faerce een at glower at you oot
ower a surgeon’s mask,
An a muckle syringe ta gie you an
injection,
Lang-nebbit wirds for medeecin an peels at
you sood tak
Ta mak you strowng and keep you fae
infection.
An dey say da saets, tho fine an saft, ir
set dat far apairt,
At it’s aafil hard ta spaek ta fok you
keen,
An you wid need a peerie looder-horn ta cry
across da room
If you guid ta ax a body foo dey’d been.
Nae doot it aa looks aafil posh wi dir
furntir an dir mats,
Bit wi yun haethenous posters stickin ower
da waa,
If da fok wir hae’n ta sit an look at yun
for very lang
Dey wid feel ill tho dey wirna ill ava.